Tired of being a people pleaser?

It’s tempting when your confidence is low to look to others for affirmation. But you already know that true value comes from within. The question is, if you have already slipped into this unhealthy habit of people pleasing, how can you break out of it and move toward a healthy sense of personal self-confidence? Tired of being a people pleaser? Let’s get to work.

First, remember who you are.

Remember? There was a time before you knew the people you are currently bending over backwards to please. When you were just you. Free and easy. There were things you loved to do that had nothing or little to do with what’s happening now. You ran and played and dreamt.

That core person who is you is still there, no matter how deeply buried. So if you’re tired of being a people pleaser, take a moment right now to close your eyes, to see yourself at your most happy and confident. 

Next, look at your boundaries.

I am often asked about boundaries: are boundaries to keep the goodness in or the pain out? And the answer, as you may have guessed, is yes. Boundaries are good for holding on to things like “Who am I?” And they are also helpful to keep what is not you from growing up around you like a weed and choking out your true happy and brilliant self.

Finally, build self-care into your daily routine.

So with these two concepts in mind: (remembering who you are and setting boundaries), what are some practical tactics to get you on a steady course to healthy confidence?

• Practice saying no to others. Because your tendency is to say yes to far too often to others who want to set your agenda. “Can you do this for me?” Yes. “Would you do that for me?” Yes. You have this tendency to say yes to others because you are very capable. But just because you are capable does not mean you have endless resources of time and energy. Hold more energy back for yourself. If you give it all away you become far less valuable to yourself and others, until you feel pretty worthless. 
• Practice saying yes to yourself. And the other side of that equation is of course saying yes to yourself more. And don’t just say it. Make it real. Put those things you love to do on the calendar and keep the appointment with yourself just like you would with others. Because you are at least as important as those you constantly, selflessly serve. 
• Get reliable encouragement and accountability. When you want to change a habit, it’s helpful to have reliable encouragement, at least at first, to lock in the new habit. And for this, you might consider working with me. I can give you insight, practical tactics, and reliable encouragement plus the accountability you need to get you over the hump into the new healthy routine.

Make this one of your atomic habits.

Atomic habits are small, powerful habits that change us from the inside out. 

Plan to take at least one small step today and tomorrow and the next day to rebuild your confidence.

You have enough time for this, even if you don’t think you do. The risk? Minimal. The benefits? Astronomical for you and for everyone who needs what only you can bring into the conversation when you’re showing up authentically (because only then you can respond in a way that brings the full force of who you are with any relevance).

And when you do focus on this new habit you will realize (perhaps for the first time) that this is how confidence grows. One small step at a time. Because you’ll finally understand what is going on around you and how much you are truly needed in the conversation. 

You can you break out of the habit of people pleasing and move toward a healthy sense of personal self-confidence.