Your fear would like a word with you.
What is it you’re afraid of? Maybe it’s a fear of heights. It could be the fear of public speaking. Or more primal yet: perhaps you are afraid that your partner is cheating on you. Whatever it is you’re afraid of, chances are you shy away from it. Run from it, even. Because fear is not something you want to spend time with. You want it to just go away.
Embrace your fear.
But what if instead of running away from your fear, you embraced him as a friend?
Your fear (let’s call him Fred) is trying to get your attention. Pay attention to me, he whispers. When you don’t listen to his whisper, Fred raises his voice; incrementally, respectfully, at first. But when you consistently deny him, Fred will eventually scream at you with the full force of a storm, wracking you not just emotionally, but physically. Because he wants be heard. You can count on that. The question is: will you wait until it becomes a crisis before you will listen to your fear? (A word to the wise: don’t wait until your fear becomes a category 4 storm to listen.)
Instead, take a moment right now. Take a deep breath, close your eyes maybe, and let Fred have a word with you. Listen closely. Do you hear him? Do you feel him in the small hairs that are rising on the back of your neck? Good. Now, instead of getting up and doing something you know is bad for you, just sit with your fear for a moment. Ask Fred some questions. Thank him for coming today, and for warning you about something you need to pay attention to.
Spend time with your fear.
Now that you’ve noticed your fear, spend some quality time with him.
Take him with you to the office. Introduce Fred to some of your co-workers. Take him out to lunch, and into the meetings where some of your worst fears haunt you with each passing day. Take Fred home with you. Allow him to speak up when you are spending those few precious moments with your partner or your kids. Take him on a walk with you when you take the dog out.
You get the picture. When you spend time with your fear, you will begin to feel confident in his presence. And instead of the way you used to treat him, locking him in a closet or shoving him into your sock drawer, when your fear gets to spend time with you, you’ll find him becoming not an annoyance, but a friend. You might begin to call him Freddy as you get to know him better. And as you do, he will open up to you more, too. He’ll begin to talk with you about why he’s come: to keep you safe and moving in the right direction. He will help you listen to yourself more closely and over time, to trust yourself more deeply.
Learn from your fear.
Your fear has a lot to teach you.
You’ll learn amazing things from your fear like: “Oh! That person at the office I feel uncomfortable around? There’s a good reason for that!” Or, “Wow. I really haven’t been paying enough attention to my partner’s feelings. Maybe that’s why I wonder if she’s having an affair. I probably would, if I treated myself the way I treat her.”
Again, you get the picture. Your fear has a lot to teach you if you will only listen to him.
The takeaway:
Instead of running from your fear, embrace him as a good friend. When you do, you’ll find that your fear is there to help you.