Are you a con man? A con man is a faker; a poser: a man who uses others to get what he wants. He doesn’t have any deep or real purpose of his own.
What’s the difference?
Confidence is stronger than the con. After all, you want to stand on your own two feet with a clear and honest purpose, don’t you? To finish the day’s work with a good feeling about what you’ve accomplished and where your path is taking you? And to feel like when you walk through the door at home, you can rest, knowing you’ve done your best for the day and are ready to be your best self in important and intimate relationships there?
But how can you be a confident man?
Start by asking yourself these 3 questions:
- Do I have a clear purpose which, as far as I can tell is honest and straightforward?
- Am I following that purpose as well as I can?
- If not: How am I using others to bolster the weak parts of my own character?
1. Do I have a clear purpose?
Let’s look at that first question: Do I have a clear purpose? It’s a good question, and not one with an easy answer.
You’ll know your purpose is clear by what you do when nobody is looking. Do you find that your free time reflects who you are and what you want? Or do you find a disconnect between your free time and your off-duty hours?
And let’s be honest. You won’t have a perfect connection between your working hours and your off-duty hours. But are you working toward being congruent no matter where you are? If we were to step into your brain right now: are you mostly trying to hide your true self, or are you making an honest effort to be open about who you are everywhere you go?
We’re looking for congruity. Which means you’re pretty much who you are wherever you go and whatever you do. When your purpose is clear, you’ll be working your way to this honest expression of yourself wherever you are.
2. Am I following my purpose?
You’ll know this by your heartbeat. Which undoubtedly sounds a bit squishy. But think about it: Does your heart beat with passion or fear? You might not have thought about this question much lately. But try it. When your heart races at night, or just before a meeting, or when you’re at home: is your heart beating with love or fear? Is it beating at all?
We want your heart to beat with passion: for you to have a sense of urgency about what you’re doing, because it matters. And this can apply to anything at all.
For example: perhaps your overarching purpose is to be a great father or a great lover. These are real parts of your purpose, every bit as important as whatever is happening at work. The main thing is to be honest about your purpose, and then to ask your heart what it’s telling you about whether or not you’re following your purpose as well as you can.
3. Am I using others?
This is the bottom line. If you are mostly using others to get what you want, you’re on shaky ground. You’re in the neighborhood of being a con man. Which is not how you want to live your life. The life of a con man is weak and precarious. It may seem funny or cool in a movie, but it’s not how you want to tell your story to anyone you really care about, beginning with yourself.
You want to stand on your own two feet. This is the essence of healthy self-confidence: to know that you are a contributing member of the community; that you have a clear purpose of your own and that you are developing that purpose for your own satisfaction, first, and then for the good of others.
The takeaway:
Ask yourself:
- Do I have a clear purpose which, as far as I can tell is honest and straightforward?
- Am I following that purpose as well as I can?
- If not: How am I using others to bolster the weak parts of my own character? 🍃